Three Little Things: Part 3

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I’ve talked about getting out of a rut or a funk or whatever you want to call it over the past couple of months. For me, it was three small steps that made a huge difference. The first was to embrace and express gratitude.  The second was to get out of town. This last thing that I’ve done which was by far the most challenging was to show myself a little self-love.  I don’t like to make generalizations, but I do think that women in particular

I don’t like to make generalizations, but I do think that women, in particular, tend to rationalize that self-love is selfish. I know I often make excuses not to do something nice for myself. These range from I don’t have enough time, that costs too much, and when I’m at my lowest I tell myself I don’t deserve something.

Over the past few months, I’ve been experiencing some health issues. I’ve been open about my struggles with weight and my decision to get a lap band six years ago. I’ve been experiencing acid reflux over the past year or so which has progressively got worse. My surgeon did some tests and realized that my band slipped. This can happen and can be repaired through surgery. This would be fine except my insurance company is very restrictive of what hospitals they’ll approve for bariatric surgery. Even though I have a top surgeon from one of the best hospitals in the country, I can’t have him perform this repair.

I’ve been going through the process of appointments and tests threw a surgeon and hospital that are approved. It’s a long and tedious process and my symptoms have gotten worse as a result of having to put this off. Most people associate acid reflux with simply being heartburn and it can be that in it’s mildest form. My symptoms are a bit different and include chronic nausea and a sour taste in my mouth and stomach. I have night cough which is an unpleasant condition where lying down causes the acid in your stomach to bubble up and…well to avoid being overly graphic let’s just say I spend a lot of time with my head over the toilet. My symptoms even produce other symptoms. As a result of regurgitating I’m often dehydrated, have insomnia, and in the mornings I frequently have migraines. You don’t need to throw me a pity party, I’m very good at doing that myself. I’m sharing this because this lack of control of my body makes me feel helpless at times and adds to this fear of not deserving good things.

The hardest part is food affects me. Foods that are typically thought of as being good for you can make my symptoms worse and some days overly processed and sugar laced products are my staples because they are they only things I can tolerate. This has resulted in some weight gain, not crazy weight gain but I’m about 10 pounds more than I’m comfortable with. That might night seem like a lot, but as someone who struggles with body image issues, I sometimes look in the mirror and think I weigh 1000 pounds or something.

This experience has been a reminder to love myself no matter what the scale says. I won’t ever be 1000 pounds and hopefully, this surgery gets approved and results in my feeling better and being able to maintain a weight that I feel comfortable with, but I can’t forget me from seven years ago. That morbidly obese girl should have given herself more love and accepted her beauty because while the exterior may be different I’m still her.

I’ve been trying to give myself a bit more TLC. I carve out time to write, I let myself say no way more than I ever have in the past if I truly can’t take something on, and I put don’t let myself leave the house till I feel good about how I look. That varies every day sometimes it’s as simple as throwing on some lip gloss and other days I might need to change my outfit four times, but the point is I always eventually feel like that person in the mirror is lovely and worth being loved by me and others.

How do you so yourself a little extra love when you need it?

Mindful Monday: DIFY

  

Sorry for only one post again last week. Trying to get better about it. I could have done late mediocre posts and backdated them but that’s not my style. I’ve been trying to be better about letting myself off the hook when life gets busy and focusing on doing a great job on what I know I can accomplish vs trying to churn out a high volume of projects that are just okay. Quality over quantity baby!  
Speaking of projects I’ve been having a few around the home lately. I did a little redecorating, I’m currently painting my bedroom, I’m working on a big purging and reorganization task to minimize the amount of stuff I have and really highlight the things that mean something to me, and once the bedroom is done there will be a little more decorating. Now DIY isn’t a new concept to me. I typically have some sort of creative project I’m focusing on as an outlet. Right now my preferred craft is creating handmade stationery and taking the time to write notes to friends far away. 

This home project may have started out a DIY, but has evolved into something a bit more than that.  I realized this whole reorganizing and redecorating project is something I’ve wanted to do for years but I’ve always let myself have excuses as to why I couldn’t. “This will cost too much money and I should really save more.” “I don’t have the time.” “I rent so why should I invest in redecorating since I technically don’t own this home?” There were about a million other reasons I had for putting this off. Once I started I realized that not doing it was really saying that “I’m not worth this.” I wasn’t letting myself think I was worth owning nice things that made me happy, getting rid of handy-me-downs that I didn’t love, or a bedroom that didn’t have peeling paint. 

I don’t think I’m alone in this. I think a lot of us are afraid to do things that create joy for ourselves because we think it seems selfish. In fact it’s the opposite of selfish. We’re showing the world that we are worth it and inspiring others to do the same when we treat ourselves to what we know we deserve. Instead of thinking about this as DIY I’m starting to adopt the attitude of DIFY. Do it for yourself. It’s a simple act of self love that may just inspire you to take things further and really bring the things you deserve in terms of work, relationships, and happiness into your life. What is your current DIFY?